Anger like tsunami waves 🌊

For as long as I can remember, I struggle with anger my whole life. I guess growing up I was never really good at dealing with emotions. This doesn’t really mean that I do not feel emotions, on the contrary I feel them too intensely. I remember always needing time to process or digest these emotions I absorb around me, whether negative, positive, from myself or others. I tend to bottle up these emotions. They are stored permenantly in the fiber of my being, and not relased until something in the environment triggers it. Then I become very explosive.

Recenly I have been dealing with a situation that involves losing a parcel. The emotions I have been feeling are extreme helplessness, fury, regret and frustrations. Like how can they be so incompetent? Unfortunately I literally have zero control over the situation because the parcel is not in my hands. And I sincerely feel that, the problem is not that they do not have the ability to find it, rather it is that they are not willing to find it. I mean, if I am a billionaire or the president, they would do all their power to find the damn parcel. Everyone responsible is saying that they are just “doing their job”, but what they don’t realize is that they are like Pontius Pilate washing his hands thinking they are innocent of any blood when in fact they are guilty of murder. I simply refuse to believe that it is “lost”. I also keep blaming myself for this stupid mistake I made - drowning in regret but it is not even my fault! This is all taking a huge toll on me.

I can go on and on. And it will only provoke more anger if I do so, therefore I better stop. The point is, I became extremely explosive about it. I could literally take a baseball bat and crush their warehouse.

At this point I have no way to deal with these bouts of anger. Sometimes they just come and I have no way to control it. They are like super-sized tsunami waves. There is literally zero way to tame these waves other than waiting until they finish destroying everything and subside.

You would have no way to tell based on my daily demeanor that I have anger issues. This is because I usually come across as calm, rational and even cold-blooded. But truthfully, inwardly I am drowning in my own fury it’s not even funny. You know those murder mysteries or true crime shows? That they found the murder at last, but most people would not believe it becuase the person seemed so chill on the outside. Honestly, I relate to these crime. No joke. I understand why those muderers kill people out of their passionate anger. And after they have done the actions, they are not remorseful about it. At times I really can relate to that, except I seem to always know my boundary and never enact on my imaginary obliteration.

I am finding ways that will help me channel my emtions better. I find that going on photo walks seem to help. Photography temporarily forces my mind to be in an observant state. Taking photos makes me aware of my surrounding, to be present, to think about the composition, light, and the subject. It seems that while I am in the flow, I notice things and I can, for a short moment, forget about the anger boiling within me.